Confessions by Katie

For the past month or two I’ve really been thinking about adding meat, eggs, dairy and seafood back to my diet. I started with dairy in the form of yogurt and then finally added cheese last week (but in very limited quantities.)

Last Sunday, I ate chicken. It was in my burrito bol from Chipotle. It felt strange, but it tasted pretty good. “Okay,” I thought, “I can do this. I can eat chicken sometimes.”

However, today when I tried to eat chicken on my salad it was not the same. I had about 2 bites and I didn’t like the taste and I didn’t know why I was even trying to eat it. I still don’t like the idea of an animal dying to feed me. I don’t need help increasing bad cholesterol, I don’t like the idea of animals living in captivity or factory farming and blah blah blah everything most vegetarians and vegans will spout and everyone will tune out (including the spouter.)

What was really unsettling to me was why after over a year of no meat I was suddenly thinking about adding it back in when none of my core beliefs or feelings had changed.

Today with fork to mouth it clicked in my brain. I’ve been depressed. My mood has been out of control up and down, but for the most part, I’ve been pretty down all the time. That leads to feelings of indifference. Which can lead to no longer caring about things you once cared about — like say, animals dying to feed you.

Secondly, I’m tired of feeling different. Maybe no one cares. But it gets tiring to be the special diet restriction person. “Grabbing a quick bite” doesn’t really exist for me. Part of that is my choice, but a big part isn’t. LORD, I’d LOVE to be able to just go eat without caring. Or eat without getting sick. Grab a sandwich or a taco or a burger. But food is more than just tasty stuff I put in my mouth. It’s ethics and feeling shitty and nutrition. I can’t eat without thinking about nutrition any more. Sometimes that leads to over-indulgence because it gets so tiring to try to be so perfect all the time. I try to thnk about all the things I CAN eat. And there are tons and plenty. But add in social dynamics or lack of money or time and it just spirals into a web of indecision.

My problem with eating for nutrition is that I also eat for pleasure. Food has always been something I could enjoy. My escape. Comfort.

We recently had an ice cream sundae bar at work and instead of my usual non-participation, I had a scoop of ice cream with half a banana and some Hershey’s syrup. And someone of course commented. “Hey, Katie is eating what we’re eating!” I do usually have something in those settings, it’s just not usually what is being provided.[ Generally, that’s due to the whole no-gluten thing. Lately, I’d even been thinking about testing the gluten thing again. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was all in my head. I mean, that’s what the media wants. And then I accidentally ate carrot cake with whole wheat flour and DEAR LORD did I feel like hell. I didn’t know what it was at first, but once I realized what it was, it matched up perfectly based on timing of consumption and symptoms. Dumb.]

The other part of the equation is weight loss. I am FREAKING out on some level about my body and my weight loss. Even though I see messages every day about loving your body and accepting yourself and I know I’ve lost 90 lbs, I am still unhappy. I still only see a fat blob. I have freaking acne that won’t go away and a protruding belly that I fear will always be there. After losing 90 lbs and running 4 half marathons — I’M STILL FAT.  Not only am I still fat, but acne covered and homely. I haven’t worn makeup in ages (partly because my skin is so sensitive and partly because I’m lazy.) I just don’t feel attractive on any level. Yay depression?

With the depression has come a real struggle to avoid emotional eating and make good food choices. I thought if I could make myself eat things like chicken, I could help my weight and fat loss. People always talk about lean protein. Maybe I could do a week or two of lower carb and high protein and drop some weight fast! Yes! That’s the ticket.

Any how, I’ve been trying to deal with the emotional roller coaster and I’m lucky because I have good friends who have been there for me when I’ve vacillated between wanting to lash out in anger at people and when I’ve wanted to put my head down and cry. I’ve honestly just kept expecting to wake up and suddenly feel okay again. That hasn’t happened. It doesn’t work like that. Not really. I’ve added on to this taking “THE pill” for the first time in 16 years to help with some issues and so far it’s just exacerbated most of the demons. I’m still holding out hope that I’ll normalize in less than 3 months. There are other factors that are large contributors to my stress, anxiety and depression but I have word-vomited long enough for now. Just please know, I’m not being a nancy-pants. There are real things, valid things, to be causing my feelings. And even if there weren’t; even if I just felt this way with no reason to which to point (and part of it probably is that) that would be okay. (I have to tell myself that. I still have trouble believing it.) So, thanks for reading if you did.

I am a Winner

I officially hit 31 days of working out IN A ROW on Friday, May 3rd. Saturday I was on my feet a lot hosting a baby shower for my sister-in-law (BABYHENRYBABYHENRYBABYHENRY! Come out come out and play!) but I really took yesterday off.

Completion of those 31 days also means I won The Bet! Hello, I was so not in the mood to fail. There were a few days I’m sure I wouldn’t have worked out if not for the bet, and I’m better for having pushed myself and gotten myself back on track. In addition, I also finished my no sugar April, though a bit less successfully as I had sugar the weekend of Rock the Parkway. I also apparently learned nothing from the no sugar challenge because I ate sugary things all weekend (not in obscene amounts or anything, but definitely not a good level for me.)

Oh well. I lost a bit of weight and my clothes are definitely looser and I felt fitness gains in my running and with pilates and yoga — so April was a good month for me.

As I was nearing the end of the month, I decided I needed to do another challenge for May. You see, I love peanut butter. So creamy! So salty! So satisfying in oatmeal, on bananas, on apples, off a spoon, straight out of the jar! And the problem is I was enjoying too many of those experiences each day. I wasn’t eating sugar, but sure was eating extra peanut butter. Sigh.

So, with this self-knowledge, I knew what I needed to do for May: reduce my reliance on peanut butter. But, I can’t have just one thing! I must be obsessive!  I give you my list of May challenges and goals:

• Reduce my reliance on peanut butter. This means limit myself to one serving per day, at most. I ended up running out of peanut butter a few days before the end of the month so I made my own nut butter (which ended up really being nut paste.) So far, I’ve only used it a few times in my oatmeal and never more than 1 tablespoon at a time. It’s a proprietary blend of plain old peanuts, almonds and a teaspoon/tablespoon of coconut oil.
• Because I obviously didn’t change my habits, continue with my sugar challenge. This time, I’m not going 100% no sugar, but I’m putting boundaries on my “treat” consumption. No more than one treat per week. I’m also still going to avoid foods with added sugar (except for an occasional Chobani because those are delicious or protein bar.) I generally feel gross if I eat foods that are packaged or processed and oh, I’m in major budget mode, so I need to limit my food spending and processed foods are spendy.
• Decided yesterday: I’m going to do a plank a day. I think I should work on building up the time. I had to do 3 this morning as part of my workout and I should have asked how long the holds were. Probably a minute. When I started they were 15 seconds. I know I can hold longer than a minute, but I should set a numeric goal to hit by the end of a month.
• And the funnest of the fun, a group challenge! Cheryl and Jason decided to do 45 minutes of cardio 6 days per week for 4 weeks and if I succeed at this also, I get a free session! Most of my workouts in April were at least an hour, so I have a good base.

Since it’s already May 6th I’m going to keep this challenging going right up to the day before Baby Henry’s due date*: June 6th.

*June 7th — MARK YOUR CALENDARS!

Destination Food Processor

Oh, little food processor, how you sit in your box. Kittens tried to wrest you free…but apparently, they gave up. (probably to nap on the box)

Please note the overflowing recycle bin (tomorrow is trash day!)

I was still 202 this morning, but who cares? YES, I still want to get to 199 (and lower and lower and lower) but let’s not forgot all the awesome stuff that is AWESOME and get caught up in boo-woo land.

I stopped counting pushups when I do them during training time. When I started working out with Cheryl in December I was doing sets of 8. Today I was informed I’m doing sets of 20. Hello muscles! Bam.

What else? Oh yes, I can run without my lungs and heart feeling like they want to explode. I ran a mile without stopping, more than once which I could NEVER do. Bam.

I’m back on the monthly challenges wagon so I’m back to at least 30 minutes of cardio a day in addition to whatever else (so if I train in the morning, I still need to do 30+ min of cardio). So, I did C25K tonight. TWO workouts today. Bam.

Before: nervous, happy, delusional but gonna do it!

Notice how I always thumbs-up in pictures?

After: sweaty, happy, sweaty, glad I did it!

thumbs-up! And glistening. This was right before I started pouring sweat. It wasn't that hot out, but I guess once I stopped moving my body was all like, "whoa! cool your horses!" PS: that is totally an air filter in the background

 

[Also, if anyone has any good recommendations on workout tank tops that do not ride up when running, I’d love to hear them. Tonight’s tank (even though it is exactly the same as one of my favorites for cardio) would not stay put. It kept rolling up to just under my bust. Distracting.]

So, Dear Food Processor (and your little friend too!), You will be mine. I have big plans for you. You’re going to make me some almond butter. And you’re going to shred some zucchini. And you’re going to do the onion chopping from now on. Oh yes. Rest now, Food Processor. For soon we go into battle.

Don’t Shoot the Messenger

Well, let’s not beat around the bush. It’s Monday. It’s officially weigh-in day. I could call my scale a bitch, but it’s not fair to shoot the messenger. I weighed in at 202 pounds. That’s up from 200.8 last Monday. Yes, I GAINED.

That means the odds of hitting my goal of 199 by May 1st (TOMORROW) are slim. (ha! “slim!”)

How did I gain? I ate under my calories. I worked out  hard Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I spent Saturday up and about at the park.

So, if weight loss is just calories in/calories out, I’d have lost weight. Except, it’s more complicated than that.

Here’s what I think happened:

1. Not enough sleep. My body simply didn’t get enough rest. I kept saying “I’m going to go to sleep early tomorrow night.” “I’m definitely going to go to sleep early tonight.” UGH.
2. Not enough nutrition. Overall, my vitamin and nutrient levels were too low because I wasn’t balanced enough in my eating every day.
3. Not enough calories – I think in some cases I under eat. I find it challenging to hit 1200 calories some days. Not good especially on days I work out.
4. Not enough water.
5. Too much sugar. I noticed bits of sugar creeping into my diet in things like the delightful gluten-free bread I was eating or the vanilla extract I found in the cabinet at work and USED only to find out that it contained corn syrup. Note to manufacturers: it is not okay to label something “PURE vanilla extract” and then add shit like corn syrup. And I had alcoholic beverages on Saturday.
6. Not enough prep work/ pre-planning of meals. The time planning and prepping is so well spent when it means I’m able to balance my diet and have non-processed and non-restaurant prepared foods. (not that I did a lot of restaurants or processed foods, but it was a lot by my standards.)
7. Not enough regulation of eating. I went long periods without eating.
8. I officially totally cut gluten. Maybe this had some sort of impact? All I know is my stomach feels less tight. I’m generally less nauseous.
9. Maybe my tracking was off somewhere. I measure everything I cook, but if I don’t do the cooking…

Unfortunately, this means I don’t get to open my box from Macy’s. No iron skillet. No food processor.

*sigh*

So, I’m taking all of the things above and trying to focus on making myself better this week. Eating my snacks. Sleeping. (Today should have been a workout day, but I am tired. I am going to rest. And then I am going to come up swinging.) Avoiding sugar. Avoiding added salt. Getting enough water.

Since tomorrow is the official “goal date” I’m going to weigh myself so I can accurately check off my weight for the goal. Don’t. Shoot. The. Messenger.

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Also, I’m currently using MyFitnessPal to track and log all my food and exercise. I used LiveStrong MyPlate for a year (and SparkPeople before that), but found a lot of food missing and their app was not as good as the MFP app. Anyhow, feel free to add me as friend on MFP if you also use the site. I need more friends. Any my journals are completely public so you can creep what I’m eating.

TRMNDSBLNDTTE on MyFitnessPal

Drumroll Please…

If you’ve been following along the last week or so you know today was a very important weigh-in for me.

(if not, read this and read this and this and you will be caught up! Also, this is a particularly important post, but not 100% relevant, but since I have your attention, you know, why not throw one more link at you?)

First, let’s recap some highlights of my day.

Normally, I workout with my trainer, Cheryl (HIIIIII!!!!) on Tuesday and Thursday mornings before work. Due to my grand jury duty schedule we’ve had to rearrange some of my sessions because, of course, the grand jury meets on Tuesday mornings. This is one of those weeks.

Next, my gym has 3 locations. The location where we usually meet  (and where I usually workout on my own), is getting laid (hehehe) [wait, new tile is getting laid] in the women’s restroom this week so the bathroom is off limits. This means no shower. So, as a distance compromise we are meeting at each of the other two locations this week for squngnes* and ouch-my arms**.

Which leads me to this: the shower tried to drown me.

Note: I'm wearing 4 inch heels in this picture so that shower head was even higher; or I was lower. Whatever! I'm short! It's tall. The booger was on the wall opposite the shower head.

Like, I literally had to keep myself from having a panic attack in the shower because I couldn’t get my face out of the water. The shower head is SO high up and so NOT adjustable  that my 5’3″ frame could only get my face out of the water if I crammed myself and craned my neck into a corner. Also, there was what I believe to be a booger on one of the walls. Ahh, the joy of uni-sex bathrooms. If anything, the take-away is that I think adjustable shower heads should totally be on the list of things to consider upgrading. (I’m not complaining. Please note. Sure, I almost DIED taking a shower, but I didn’t, and I was grateful that one opened up and I didn’t have to try to bathe in a sink so I wouldn’t be sweaty and gross at work.)

Anyhow, I survived the workout and the shower!(and took a bad picture of myself to commemorate the experience!)

 

Also, I promised you a lolcat. I’m way too lazy to rip one off or to add text to a picture of one of my cats, so here’s my cat Gracie on her back showing off her fluffs.

 

And by-the-way…I’M ALMOST THERE.

This morning, I weighed in at 200.8 lbs.

 

*Squnge: squats + lunges = squnges. Let me use that in a sentence. When you train with Cheryl, squnges are prevalent. And you will be really proud of how strong your ass has become and how you can do all kinds of things better – like running, chores, yoga, and just living.

**ouch-my-arms is a very loose term. In general, I consider it many sets of push-ups (which is really only like 4 actual sets). Also, lots of bicep curls because I always try to Pooh Bear my stomach (stick it out like Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff.He’s Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh. Willy nilly silly ole bear.) This could also be called the skinny girl pretending she’s fat or pregnant pose.

Under 200 Pounds 50 Pound Weightloss Reward

So, I posted last week about being very close to being under 200 pounds and weighing in the 100’s again. It’s been years. Probably 6 years since my weight started with a 1 and not a 2. And before that it was years.

In my post I asked what I should give myself as non-food reward for hitting this first big goal. (I have mini-goals along the way and I give myself non-food rewards 3-4 times a month.) There were a lot of great suggestions of things to pamper myself and make myself look pretty. I think I’m going to save some of these for my giant goal of hitting the 150 lb weight mark. Why 150? Because it puts me back in the normal weight range for my height. From there, I can figure out what I should do next and how much I still want/need to lose. I’ve always wanted to weigh 125 lbs, but that might not be the right number for me so I’m trying to be cautious with that final number. [Side note: Weight is not the be all end all. I know this. But when you are at a point where you are obese and more than just festively plump, it matters. I don’t just judge my success on weight, but I use it as a tool.]

Anyway, I chose something for my “Back in the 100’s”/Halfway!/Lost 50lbs mark:

I bought a food processor and an iron skillet. Things that will make cooking easier and more fun. When I lose another 25lbs, I am going to have someone come in and clean my house. And when I reach 150, I am going for that spa day with the facial, massage, and mani/pedi.

My non-food reward is a gift to myself, and yes, it’s a practical gift, but it’s also sort of a splurge. Something to make my kitchen happier and exciting. Even though I haven’t hit the goal, I went ahead and made the purchase – because I’m that confident – and because the really good sale ended today, so I wasn’t going to be able to get as good of deal if I waited.

Tomorrow’s weigh-in is going to mean a lot. I’m pretty sure I’m at least halfway to my goal. I’ll post an update tomorrow. It may be in the form of a lolcat, but you know, whatever.

My (soon to be) pretties!

Cuisinart Food Processor

Reg. $149.99
Was $99.99
Sale $69.99

Iron Skillet

Reg. $54.99
Sale $27.99  + an extra 15% off

Before & After (with pictures): I’ve Lost 40 Pounds (Again)

…and I’m Still Going…because this is more than my story. But this is my story.

Pictures are powerful truth tellers. The frequency with which we take our own pictures these days is incredible.

Me taking a picture of myself with my iPhone in an attempt to make fun of teenage girls. Because as an adult there is such simple joy in mocking youth.

Mobile technology, web cams, and digital cameras have made it easy to primp, pose, and snap – hundreds of times until we get just that right angle, lighting (heck that doesn’t matter that much if you can use an app or software to edit the picture), and expression. We make ourselves pouty, amused, mysterious, and innocent.

But the fatter you get, the harder it is to find that angle. And the fatter you get, the harder it is to hide when someone else is snapping the pictures.

Here's an outtake from 2010 when I took the picture that ended up as my profile picture on this blog. Out of about 20 pictures that I kept for review, only 2 were decent. One was actually pretty cute. Most are awkward like this one.

I’m not new to the ups and downs of weight loss. My trouble didn’t start in early childhood. I was not a child of fast food, restaurant dining, or permissive parenting. My mom didn’t allow sugary cereal, but did allow pop. She didn’t allow candy or regular ice cream. She cooked healthy meals, showed her kids how to cook healthy meals, and didn’t overload the house with junk food.

But I was industrious, a picky eater, and shy. After moving from Kansas to Alabama to Georgia to Oregon to Missouri within the first 6 years of my life and attending as many schools by 2nd grade, I wasn’t very good at attaching to people and places. As a natural introvert, it was easy for me to withdraw into solitary activities indoors: reading (oh books how I love you!), television, and eating. I hoarded and gorged on treats whenever they were available. Maybe it was a combination of being a picky eater, not knowing how to express myself, and well, I don’t have a third. It was probably simply that. Sweets and fatty foods made me feel good. I ate too much of things that are perfectly fine and healthy – in moderation. I’d say a good 10 lbs of the fat I put on in my double digit years was from cheese. If there was a candy selling fundraiser at school I ate the product…covertly. Shamefully.

After Weight Watchers age 16 - isn't fake velour sexy? This size didn't last long because apparently, weight loss isn't a magic bullet in fixing your life.

After attempting an all girls Catholic high school for I don’t know what reason, something in me broke. I couldn’t take the adjustment. I couldn’t do “new” again. I was a sophomore and cliques were already in place. I was already overweight and to top it off, I’d cut off my hair that summer so I probably looked like a lesbian. (no offense) I transferred back to my old school and after a few months, I confronted my weight by joining Weight Watchers. I started eating healthier portions and thinking about nutrition. I started exercising. I lost 26 lbs in a summer and went to registration feeling like a new person. High school was finally going be like it was on TV and the movies.

I was wrong.

I was still awkward. I was still me. I was just thinner. And hungrier.

Late that year (ahh 1997 I do not miss ye) I deflated and ballooned and landed in a terrible, life altering depression. As a perfectionist and nerd, I always did well in school. Sure, I procrastinated (because I could) but I still cared to get the work done. My junior and senior years of high school were very different. I routinely fell asleep in class. I didn’t do assignments or papers and I failed tests. I ate nothing but sugar and junk all day. In short, I was an adolescent mess.

Life was totally NOT like television. Also, stalking boys you like who don’t like you? Totally not as cool as it was in Felicity. Very different results.

So, by the time I turned 18 I was really pretty. But college really changed things: I got to start using alcohol to feel better and be more social. I gained more weight. Then I lost some. Then I gained some.

And then I graduated. Oh the Five Year Plan. I got an extra one just for all the Captain Morgan, well rum, and Busch Light I consumed. But I was finally learning how to be social.

My last semester of college.

Home from college, newly minted as a qualified adult, I started job searching (and I got a cat!) I was so big by now that I didn’t have a lot of clothes, let alone interview clothes. I felt like an old lady as I donned by “nice” outfit for interviews. And then one night while I was eating M&Ms on the loveseat I realized I had to change.

I joined the North Kansas City Community Center with a friend. She’d also struggled with her weight and was seeing success. As a perfectionist I’m also somewhat competitive. If she could do it, so could I! Slowly, I started exercising. I noticed changes in my legs. But I wasn’t losing weight. I had to start eating differently. No more Junior Mints and M&Ms.

Look, they lace up!

All-in-all, I lost about 70lbs. I went from a size 24 to a size 14. Sadly, very few pictures exist of this achievement. Except for some stupid webcam pictures and these weird pictures of my legs in cheap, strappy shoes. And a close-up of my face.

Anyhow, life happened. I got a full-time job. I got friends. I got lots of drunk. And I ate, became a workaholic, and stopped exercising. I devoted myself to my job. I was going to be a career woman! Love wasn’t happening, so why not? Why not establish myself as a strong, intelligent, independent woman? See also: perfectionist, over-achiever.

I gained the weight back. Bit by bit. Bad habit, by bad habit. And then suddenly I was the age I thought I’d be when I got married and had a baby. How had that happened? How could I still be fat and single at 28? Oh by God that was practically 30 and oh dear God my chances were going to be even lower. And I still couldn’t even talk to cute boys. What about my eggs? What about that thing called actually having a life? I’d somehow put aside all of the goals I had for myself. All of the things I hold truest in my heart. And I tried exercising. And I got hurt and depressed and stressed.

And then I was turning 30 in an airport on the way to see the most warped client ever. I wasn’t with family and friends. I wasn’t celebrating. I was in a chain bar and grill in Florida – with co-workers. And then I was truly desperate.

At that point, I’d already been writing on this blog, chronically my feelings and actions. I pursued lap-band surgery, but it felt like quitting.

And so now at 31, the last year and 4 months I’ve been trying. I think about what I put in my mouth. I drink water. I don’t drink a lot of alcohol. I exercise. I try. A lot. And sometimes I want to quit – I want to lie in bed. I want to not have to think about “is there enough protein, can I pronounce the ingredients, are there enough vegetables?”

But here I am in June 2010 when I proclaimed June to be a Fat Month:

And here I am the next month (July 2010), trying to learn how not to be afraid of something:

My top weight (that I even know of) at that time was 252 pounds. I was wearing a size 22. I am 5’3″ and some change with a medium build. I am about 100 lbs overweight. Technically obese. Never able to find clothes that make me feel good. Chores are hard to do – especially if there are stairs involved. I’m tired a lot. I’m sad a lot. I’ve lost hope that I will have a normal life.

And here I am last week. The dress is an XL from Target. I wear a size 16 right now. I weigh 205 lbs. (lost a couple extra last week thanks to my awesome stomach!)

And here I am tonight, with no make-up in my pajamas and excited to see that I’m starting to have more of an hourglass figure. God help me I might just reach my goals. (And I’ve stayed up entirely too late writing this which will make my 5am wake-up and 6:15am workout extra fun.)

I'm a girl taking pictures of herself with her iPhone in her messy closet! Yes!

Thanks for reading this long post (or just scanning the pictures.) For more pictures of me from fat to fatter to fattest to less fat and less fatter check my Progress and Pictures page. It’s taken a lot for me to feel like I could share these pictures and these thoughts and feelings with the Internet. But it’s not just the Internet: it’s people I’ve worked with, gone to school with, grown up with. Family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances – this place is about finding a way to express who I am because sometimes I’m just that awkward girl over there who can craft a good one-liner and who likes animals too much. But I’m so much more. (and so much less.)

It Started with Barbie Girl

Tonight’s cardio brought to you by: I saw a hare!

[picture would go here if it had turned as more than one tiny glowing eye in a field of darkness]

Here are my stats:

Walk/Jog/Run Combo

35:47 Duration

16:39min/mi Avg Pace

How I felt: felt sluggish starting; I was COLD. And hungry. Mostly the cold fact was tough. And my thighs felt tight. But once I got warmed up it was okay. Had a few really good running moments where I felt like I was really running.

Rainbow Ring

If I had a mood ring today it would have been a rainbow.

After writing my earlier post something clicked on and I hit the gym and the treadmill.

I’m still out of sorts about numbers but it’s easier to feel good about myself after running.