Running

The challenge will be worth it. The challenge will be worth it. The challenge IS worth it.

The challenge IS worth it.

repeat. suck in air. keep feet moving. suck in air. feet up, feet down, feet up, feet down. suck in air. *thoughts of walking* feet up, feet down. suck in air. TIME.

THE CHALLENGE IS WORTH IT.

Hippity Hop, Pooh Bear

Rumination.

Following my post this morning, I felt both lighter and quite irritable. Why was I so negative? What was causing me to feel so tense?

After an odd nap, an episode of Downton Abbey, and a bit of laundry, it worked itself out.

Do you remember that scene in Good Will Hunting where Ben Affleck’s character tells Matt Damon how he’d kill for Matt’s gift?

Chuckie: No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don’t owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’ll be 50, and I’ll still be doin’ this shit. And that’s all right. That’s fine. I mean, you’re sittin’ on a winnin’ lottery ticket. And you’re too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that’s bullshit. ‘Cause I’d do fuckin’ anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin’ guys. It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in 20 years. Hangin’ around here is a fuckin’ waste of your time.

When we have a chance to do something we can’t just think about ourselves. I wrote earlier today about my confusion and fear. What I forgot to think about was the upside. A different “what if?” And while I owe it to myself to take an opportunity, to try, to make a real effort – even though it’s not easy – shouldn’t I jump in? And don’t I owe it to the people who support me, love me, give me friendship? Because I need to be there for them when they need support, love, and friendship.

Those thoughts, those are the thoughts that have to ring clear. Those thoughts have to hop, hop, hop to the top. Those thoughts are what sent me on this current path.

Oh, Bother

Today, I am confused. It started about 3 weeks ago when I attended a bariatric surgery information session hosted by Saint Luke’s. I’d grown increasing interested in gastric banding. However, I still cannot help the feelings of failure. And loss. I am considering a physical alteration to my body to deal with something that is mostly mental and emotional. That seems…misguided.

Since the info meeting, I found out that my insurance does not cover bariatric surgery, my BMI is 41, and I am confused. Logically, it makes sense to use a tool that’s available. I will have to pay out of pocket which means loans – but isn’t my health and future happiness worth it?

Emotionally, it stings. Isn’t there another alternative? Why can’t I be happy? Why ME? REALLY, WHY ME? Feelings of envy and guilt mix when I am with other people. If I do this and it “works”…what next? I’m still left with the issues that have lead to my behaviors.

Is it better to be in debt and smaller?

I know this post will annoy or irritate certain people – but, they don’t really know what this feels like.

After meeting with the program specialist and the surgeon, I have 3 follow-up appointments with the dietitian, the exercise specialist, and a psychiatrist (everyone has to have a psych evaluation.) Will I pass the psych eval? I still have to have a sleep study, but because my insurance doesn’t cover any of this, it was recommended that I speak with my primary care physician to accomplish this. So, that 5 appointments before I can have this done.

I continue to turn in PTO forms for doctor’s appointments and can’t help but wonder if my boss thinks I’m interviewing for jobs and if it’s going to become an issue. Over the last year I’ve been less engaged and less aggressive with my work though my last review was good, these things turn so quickly. I just don’t have the energy to do it all and ultimately, I’m more important than a job. Then again, I need the job to pay my bills.

Would I be better going to counseling, working with a nutritionist/dietitian, and hiring a personal trainer?

I don’t want to be talked into or out of anything. I just want to feel happy and confident with whatever decision I make and know that I’m supported no matter what I decide.