My abs more closely resemble an amoeba than a stomach right now. About 5 years ago, I set myself on a life changing path of health and fitness. I put away the M&Ms and I started going to the gym regularly. I was able to lose 70 lbs in the process; however, I didn’t reach my final goal weight or size.
It was the second time I’d come in shy of my goal. The first time, I didn’t start of with as much to lose, but I lost ground when circumstances changed. I no longer made eating sensibly and exercising priorities. Other events in my life changed and I became severely depressed. The fear of sinking into that same dark place keeps me from tipping over completely. I don’t want to ever lose my self in that way again.
Over the past 4 years, I’ve been steadily gaining that 70lbs back. It’s embarrassing, demoralizing, and had been taking a large toll on my mental and emotional endurance lately. I’m miserable. I hate to fail and usually when I do, I just give up and stop taking any accountablity or trying to do anything correctly or successfully.
I worry because I don’t want to continue gaining weight, but as the pounds increase, the pressure to act increases. I also have a highly stressful job that just continues to get more stressful.
I feel myself on an edge.
Tonight after work I went to Lane Bryant. I’ve never been a huge fan (HAHAHAHAA) of theirs because their clothes never seem to fit me right, they’re expensive, and it’s a fat kid store. I don’t have anything against fat people except for me. To me, walking into Lane Bryant is a ritual of shame because it means I can’t find enough clothes in my closet or in regular stores. I’ve had success with Kohl’s, JCPenney, Target, and Old Navy, but I was driven to try Lane Bryant today because I need a new place to look.
In my search, I discovered that jersey dresses are not my friend and that Lane Bryant has some fun jewelry. I will probably go back this weekend to play with bras because I now have coupons.
The cat pictured below doesn’t want your carrot and neither do I…unless it’s in cake form. For 2 weeks I’ve desired carrot cake. I could buy a single slice, but instead, I want an entire cake. I must have the choice of how much to eat. Do not limit my portion size. Everything I’ve said above is a big part of the reason why I’m a Fat Lady. I want it and I eat it. I don’t eat just a small portion. I eat several portions until I’ve eaten an entire cake. (okay, actually, I’ve never eaten an entire cake, but packages of cookies and pans of brownies, oh yes, they’ve been mine and continue to be mine –right there, in the jiggly bits on my innner thighs.)