The Mighty Have Fallen

Injuries scare me. They test you. Will you revert to old habits or will you find a way to work through the injury?

After a solid run of alternating the 30 Day Shred with cardio at the gym, I noticed the pain in my knee was worse – in fact, it was persistent. My knee began to get stiff and sore with little movement. I realized that this was not the kind of pain that exercise and “pushing through” would make better. It was going to make it worse.

I haven’t worked out since Wednesday. I went out both Thursday and Friday nights, had a little drama to deal with on Saturday, and on Sunday mild housecleaning and walking around Home Depot and Target made my knee sore and stiff. Crap. Pain not going away.

I’m now trying to rest, ice, compress, and elevate (R.I.C.E) my knee in hopes that it will heal quickly. Never did I ever (ha) think putting a knee brace on would feel so good or have so much impact. Never did I ever think putting ice on my body would feel so good.

Crap.

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I’m Real

So far there are no real epiphanies. I feel better except for the pain I’ve had in my hip, then in my knees (yeah, it happens when you get old), but my head and heart are having trouble catching up to the progress I’m making physically. I don’t find myself happier. In fact, I’ve actually been slightly cantankerous.

There is just a lot hard work. Rewarding, but hard. Most days, I spend several hours mentally gearing up to go to the gym. I don’t give myself the choice about whether I workout or not – but I do give myself the choice of what I do. Without that choice and variety, I don’t think I could stick with it.

Everyday I fear that I will quit. That I will never succeed. Or that I will only get half way there like I’ve done previously. I don’t want to go through this again.

Blinded

My childhood journals are covered with slanted math. Intersecting lines of multiplication, addition, subtraction, and long division. Math to make sense of the extra weight on my body. Math to calculate and control when I would no longer have the extra weight.

While I toned my arithmetic skills I often failed to tone much of anything else. Another teen magazine, another hope. Another cookie snuck in the night…or 10. No longer tasting good or feeling good, but comfortable just being there.

My math was frantic and hopeful. Happiness was just 45 divided by 2 divided by 4. Or 45 divided by 1.5 divided by 4.

Tell all the Truth but tell it slant

Emily Dickinson

Tell all the Truth but tell it slant—
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth’s superb surprise
As Lightening to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind—