Commitment Can Be Lonely

Sometimes having goals feels really crummy. Goals mean commitment to a routine and a way of life. Unfortunately, that sometimes encroaches on your ability to socialize. Skipping the food and drinks when I’m with others doesn’t bother me. But explaining why I’m turning it down gets old. I hate making other people feel bad. Feeling bad sucks.

Last night’s post was positive and resulted in soul-warming comments, but I’ve been feeling a bit less than happy. In fact at times this week I’ve felt downright misanthropic, overwhelmed and anxious.

Our weather has been doing what it does in Kansas City – swinging between extremes. This week it’s been in the 80’s. My house is hot. HOT. I refused to turn on my A/C so I’ve been living in minimal clothing and running my ceiling fan to stay cool.

As a result of my stubbornness and general sad spirit my ability to get a good night’s sleep has suffered tremendously. I hope that sleeping and resting most of Saturday will help. I hope that the cold front that is currently sweeping through KC today will help. Help, help, help!

Sometimes, I feel like I have to apologize for having a routine. Saying no to things I really want to do is not a gift bag of joy. Often, I don’t know how to handle it. I relish my down time. I relish the feeling of making myself do something good for me that pushes me toward success with my goal when I REALLY DON’T WANT TO or when I’M REALLY SCARED I CAN’T DO IT. [I’m sort of totally freaking myself out about my 6 mile run tonight and my 12 mile long run on Sunday. After this week I start tapering for the Gobbler Grind Half Marathon on November 18th. I desperately want to get a better time than my first. While still not fast, I want to get 2:30 or under. That’s a full 18 minutes less than my finishing time for the She Rocks! Half. Banishing negative thoughts is overwhelming. Staying positive, gritting my teeth, breathing deep and doing it instead of worrying about doing it – UGH. It consumes so much energy.]

[I think I’m also feeling taxed because I did start dating again and it takes an enormous amount of energy. I’ve felt so bad about myself for so long. I can’t even name or place some of the emotions I’m having. Not all negative, but not all positive.]

I want to be able to spend time with my friends and family, but I can’t give up on my goal. It’s bigger than anything. The pride of succeeding at something truly challenging – something that takes you to the point of effort that’s both taxing and exhilarating is worth it. A lot of things are easy for me. Natural. School wasn’t hard, cooking, understanding concepts – all things about which I’ve rarely lacked confidence. But discipline? Exercise and athleticism? Losing the 100+ pounds that I wrapped myself in? Proving I can do things I never thought possible? It’s worth it. I just wish it wasn’t so lonely.

Goooooooaaaalllll

I did it. This week I hit my next benchmark in weight loss. This last jaunt has been challenging. Weight loss was slower though fitness was gained. I ate more; I ate less. I worked out more. I worked out…more. I got sick, I hurt my foot. And oh, I ran my first half marathon.

175 lbs 10/24/2012 (that’s -25 from my last benchmark)

199.2 lbs 5/7/2012

205 lbs 4/12/2012 (down 40 lbs and told part of “my story”)

Guys, this is getting real. I’m 25 pounds away from my actual goal. That’s 25 pounds away from having lost 100 pounds. WTF? My plan is to reevaluate my target weight once I hit 150. I chose that number because it’s the top end of the “healthy weight” scale for my height. While I think that a lot of scales and measurements are hogswash, I would like to actually be in the normal range of one for my weight again.

Katie Face Comparison After Weight Loss
I’m in the 250 lb range in the first picture. I’m about 176 in the second.
Katie Weight Loss Comparison
Down 77 pounds – still going

Turn the Unknown Corner

Yesterday’s 10 mile run was hard and my foot is still hurting and bruised. But here I am reading my Runner’s World and trying to decide which marathon is the right one for me to run next year – my first. I had a few moments of thinking,”how am I ever going to run double this? How am I going to be able to do this as a weekday – non-LSD- distance?”

Then I turned down a road I never take.

My foot hurts. But sometimes when I’m driving I wish I was running. That’s who I am now – and who I always was – only now I know I can do it.

One good thing that came from my early morning panic attack that my foot was going to need extended rest; thereby forcing me to learn to swim to maintain my cardio routine – was the next thought that learning to swim well would mean I could maybe do a triathlon.

Maybe I should just learn to swim?