An exercise ball. It’s purple and tonight, I inflated it. And rolled off of it.
And then I tried to do crunches…and ended up burping a lot and almost sitting on a cat. I think I did it wrong. It sure takes a lot to keep that ball steady!
This of course is in my quest to work on my core strength – the one thing that I find challenging to really focus on at my gym. I’ve noticed a significant decline in my core strength – from my back to my abs, I just can’t last like I used to. My back hurt like a bitch on a flight from Philadelphia to Kansas City over the summer, and I knew – I KNEW – that my core muscles were being grossly neglected. Perhaps the most neglected they’ve ever been in my life. Sit-ups were the one thing I could do well in gym class (other than soccer – I was a good defensive player.) Being that I have a desk job and sit for most of my day, it’s extra important that I take care of my core muscles. A strong core makes all exercise easier and better – and safer.
If it helps to trim my waist and back? Well, I’ll take it! So for now I say, “bring on the ball!”
I was checking my email yesterday
a few days a month or so ago and came across the daily Jillian Michaels email. One of the articles is about fixing negative self talk – which was entirely pertinent to my current state. We all know I’ve put on a lot of weight in the past few years. New weight that replaced the old weight. Any how, I spend a lot of time trying not to put myself down. It’s very hard to be motivated when you constantly feel awful about yourself. The article has you answer several questions to evaluate your thinking.
- Do you have a negative self-image?
Do you constantly say things like “I’m fat” or “I’m ugly”? Do you pick yourself apart and beat yourself up when you look in the mirror?
Gee, you mean it’s not healthy that I stare at my gut ALL THE TIME. “Is it protruding obviously?” Sure, I do pick myself apart to such an extent that I’m sometimes surprised – no, FREQUENTLY – surprised when I look in the mirror and don’t see an ugly elephant. “Oh gee! I’m kinda pretty.”
- Do you lack self-confidence?
Do you doubt your ability to achieve your goals, weight related or otherwise? Do you dwell on your perceived limits or fears? Do you doubt your ability to accomplish the things you want to accomplish?
This is a point with which I really struggle because I’ve worked hard and lost a lot of weight on several occasions. I know I’m capable, but I still doubt myself. And that doubt usually opens the door to excuses which lead to bad decisions.
- Do you feel powerless?
Do you feel as if you have no control over your life, or do you rely on excuses like “I’m genetically predisposed to being overweight”?
Interestingly enough, I feel completely empowered. I am a control freak. I know that I control my actions. Sure, maybe there is some sort of biological element to my weight which means I have to work harder and sweat more to maintain a healthy body, but boo-fucking-whoo. I have plenty of other things at which I don’t have to work so hard to be successful.
- Do you label yourself in self-deprecating ways?
Do you think and talk about your failure to lose weight as a foregone conclusion? Do you refer to yourself mockingly (or not!) as a stereotype — the happy/funny fat person in the room? Is your e-mail address “firstname.lastname@example.org”?
I named this blog “Fat Lady Katie” and in thinking back to how I got that name and why in the hell I used it, well…I honestly don’t know other than it had a certain ring to it, my name is Katie, and I’m fat and trying to lose weight so I’m not fat – and more importantly, so I don’t think of myself only in terms of my weight.
A man once told me I would never be skinny. He wasn’t trying to offend me or put me down in any way. In fact, he found my body, soft, squishy, and full of pooches to be sexy. That relationship may be over, but his words creep up more often than I’d like.
Feeling good mentally, emotionally, and physically usually correlates directly to action. If I make choices that make my body hum along, I tend to want to hum along with it – all day. with a grin and, yes, even a cliched skip in my step.
Whenever I think or write about how I feel, I always come back to two truths: It’s about what I tell myself I can do, and what I actually do. That’s life. If I sit around on my couch crying and saying, “I’m scared” or “I can’t” or even “I will never” then I won’t. But if I tell myself I can, and I get off the couch and try, I chip away at the fear.
Yes, I fear the repetition of mistakes and a never ending cycle of trying and never quite reaching my goals. The goal takes time. A lot of time. I can’t expect to lose 120 lbs in 3 months. But as my counselor used to tell me when I poured out my teenage, fat girl heart, “the time is going to pass anyway.”
So, will I ever be skinny? I guess that’s really only up to me.