girl who makes fun and laughs because she’s afraid that’s what others are doing so she’s gonna do it first

all it really does? is makes her feel worthless.

she masks the fear and sadness, the questions and strength

with a laugh


Thar She Blows

So, the day after I started Couch to 5k I got sick. This is not the first time I’ve had a good workout and then the very next day come down with illness. The last real run I had in 2006 (February) was cathartic and intense. It was one of my best. And the next day, I got sick. Verysick. In fact, I was sick for a good week and still feeling less than perfect on my birthday.

Anyhow, it looks like I’ll be starting over once I fully kick this sinus infection/upper respiratory infection.

Zombie, Zombie

But you see, it’s not me, it’s not my family.
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying…

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What’s in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou…

~ Cranberries, “Zombie”

Today was all about the fighting in my head. It’s the hardest part about making a lifestyle change and committing to the habits that will help me lose the 120 pounds that I want to lose. I have smaller goals along the way, but I am trying to lose a whole person. Egad.

It’s so easy to second guess myself about everything and to obsess over every number. Did I do enough of X strength training? Did I do enough cardio at enough intensity? Did I eat too many calories? Were they good calories? Am I meeting all of my nutritional goals?

It gets loud in my head. Very loud. I can’t decide on dinner because my gut (ha!) instinct and “craving” says one thing, but I also want to make sure I’m keeping up on nutrition, eating something filling, and not wasting my calories.

One of the first rules of surviving a Zombie attack is cardio. I did weight training earlier today, but as I was driving in the early evening, I felt the need to be outside walking, running, and dancing. I imagined a world where I was outside playing with kids. I’d have trouble with that in my current size. Hence, cardio.

Tonight’s cardio served two purposes:  1) do something to stop thinking about what I was going to eat and 2) help me get in better shape. My cardio of choice was Couch to 5k. It’s an app that will help you train to run a 5k after 9 weeks. I only had to run a total of 5 minutes during the 30 minute session, but I was struggling at first. I’ve always wanted to be a “runner.” To glide and stride and feel agile and lithe. When I was running 5 years ago, it was still mixed with walking and I never quite felt that full body harmony. It was always a great effort.

As I was finishing my cool down, I passed a man running. We smiled and waved. I’m going to make it to the other side.


Remember how I just wrote about not working out? Today while I was lounging on my couch – again – I decided it would be worth the risk to try the recumbent bike. I forgot just how boring the recumbent bike is.

Things I did while pumping on the bike:

  • played Ragdoll Blaster on my phone
  • checked my work email
  • clicked a link in my work email
  • read a work related article
  • checked in on FourSquare
  • stared at the ceiling
  • stared out the window
  • stared at the treadmill
  • stared out the window again
  • posted on Facebook about how boring the bike is

Oh well. I lasted for 35 minutes. When I got up, I remembered why one actually uses the darn bike – it really tightens your legs. I was also sweating pretty fast and feeling cardiovascular challenge.

AND MY TOE/FOOT FEELS FINE. My feet did feel a little numb though.

All in all, worth doing – if you bring reading material.


I haven’t worked out since the day before the toe breakage. I spent a Friday two weeks ago cleaning and rearranging furniture (and almost being killed by stormy weather.) That was the most exercise I’ve gotten – it also proved painful for my healing toe, which was not happy to be pushed into shoes, and which certainly both loved and hated being removed from shoes.

My biggest fear whenever I start something is not finishing. I’ve been down that road at least twice with respect to getting to a healthy weight and maintaining a healthy life. I find myself wondering why I can be disciplined in some areas (work and um, work) and not in others (housekeeping and health.) Is it because I want work more than I want a comfortable home and body?

I know there are things I have to face about myself before I will ever be successful. Life will not magically change by losing weight and being healthy. Life will not magically change if my house is always tidy and well decorated.

So what is it I’m really after? And am I afraid to get it?