Running from Fire

Sitting on my couch draped in my red blanket, I feel safe. Sadly, that sentence is now out of date because I’m currently at work. My toes are a little frozen and I’m draped in a drab green blanket. (Hey, blankets are awesome!) I started this post a couple weeks ago — like I started 3 other posts. Apparently, one should finish writing and then hit “publish.” Whatever. But, in truth, more than my blog is stuck in “draft” mode.

Universe, I’m putting it out there: I’m afraid of running. That thing that I glowed about? That thing that consumed me for months? I’m terrified. While the rational part of me knows it’s ridiculous and I need to just push through, the other side of me, the what-the-heck do I call it side, is pretty freaked out.

After the half marathon in November I kept running – just shorter distances. And then I got busy and it started getting colder and I realized I liked wine and lounging on Sunday mornings and not having wind burn on my face. I felt disconnected and disheartened with my running group as I never made a connection with any of the other members. Now I’m out of the running habit and not sure I can do well.

You see, I was really disappointed with myself. Even though I beat my previous time and barely walked, the level of effort I expended (physically and mentally) made me wary. I want to be fast, ferocious and strong. I want to be lean and FAST. I don’t want to feel like a heffalump clump-clomp-clumping along. [No offense to heffalumps; they are cute and purple and have cool friends.]

I’m fighting an image and a goal. I’m fighting a desire. I’m fighting the fact that I still have a lot of work to do before I reach my goal. These goals of mine are at times overwhelming and entirely exhausting and I’ve been at them for a LONG time. I needed a break, which I took, but I’m finding that getting back into action adventure fitness weight loss ass-kicking hero(ine) mode is not a smooth transition. I suppose my expectation shouldn’t have been that I’d hop right back in and everything would be peachy. Struggle will never leave. Seriously, I’m just ready for the part where I’m good at running — and that’s a big part of my current issue. I’m not really that good at it. I’m not terrible and I probably could be good – some day — DAMN YOU, SOME DAY! — but I also have this perfectionism thing. I need to be the best (or one of the best.) Instead of using this as motivation to keep going, I’ve let it stop me and feed the doubt until I’m terrified to try.

So tonight my goal is to make myself do it. I shall run (though on a treadmill because brrrr!) And then I shall make myself do it again. And I’ll set a new goal or two. And I’ll achieve them because somewhere inside this terrified, purple heffalump is action adventure fitness Katie — heroine of her own life. (cheesy!)

Advertisements

The Twelve Months of 2012

A little late on this…(FLK 1/19/2013)

I shall tell no lies – I enjoy end of year recap lists. It’s a great way to review, appreciate and plan. This year I decided to segment my year in review post by month because it’s been an eventful year. In fact, this is the most eventful year I’ve had in…years.

January

Ahh, the beginning of the year! I barely stayed awake until midnight. Stressed out and worried about my career and financial fate, with resources dwindling I rang in the new year in my jammies at home alone (instead of in St. Louis with the LBC/Skittles.) I felt guilty and conflicted about the choice, but also responsible. I didn’t have the funds to make the trip, as fun as it may have been.

I interviewed for several jobs between December 26th, 2012 and mid-January 2013. Two of the interviews were intriguing, and one lead to me actually wanting to be chosen for the job.* I discussed both jobs with my mom and stepdad over pad thai and Christmas presents. Less than a week later, my mom died. That same day, I received a call from the job I wanted asking me to come in for a second interview. The day we met with the priest (Monday) I received a call from the second job with an offer. The Friday after my mom’s funeral (her funeral was on Wednesday) I had my second interview for the job I wanted, I was offered the job, I was asked if I wanted to come back to my old job, and I had to answer the other job offer. Yep, three job offers within a week of my mom’s death and when I was beginning to feel desperate.

Also, I RAN A MILE WITHOUT STOPPING. January 2011, I ran for the first time in years. It took me a year of ups and downs to get to that non-stop mile.

Oh January, you won’t be forgotten.

*For those who don’t know, I quit my job of 6 years in October 2012. My last day was the end of November.

February

My birth month! (It’s never too early to begin planning how you will celebrate my birth in 2013! Less than 2 months you have!)

I started my new job (the one I wanted!) and I started dealing with the struggle of comparing myself to other people. Bad idea.

March

It was the month of March Madness! I started doing extra health and fitness challenges.

It was also the month of trying new classes! I tried zumba, yoga and bellydancing!

My stomach hurt a lot. I nicknamed it “Stomach of Doom” or #stomachofdoom. (I did that later in the year.) Some other stuff happened, but man, I don’t remember any of it because I experienced a lot of GI problems. I was a little stressed.

I was also picked to serve on the Grand Jury for my county of residence. It was a 3 month term.

April

Officially became a vegetarian again and went gluten free.

I hit a weight loss milestone and I wrote about it – with pictures. Oh, the pictures. April was really a big month for me. I was starting to feel different about my body and the shower at the gym tried to drown me.

May

I hit a MAJOR weight loss milestone – I was finally under 200 lbs for the first time in YEARS. I gave myself 2 presents: an iron skillet and a food processor. More than that, I realized I was not only losing weight, I was gaining fitness and strength.

June

StomachOfDoom was tested extensively at the beginning of the month in an effort to determine what was causing my pain.

Losing weight creates a few wardrobe issues. Purging my old clothes was pretty cleansing.

Did I mention that I ran my first 5k?

July

Uh, I ran my 2nd and 3rd 5k. (#TeamSkittle!)

July was an intense month of commitment to goals and the development of a new passion – running.

Hey, I joined a running group and decided to train for a half marathon! Go me!

August

I admitted to something really embarrassing: I hadn’t dated in 5 years. AND MORE! Honestly, the post was about much more than my lack of a romantic life, but you should see the referrals I get to this blog based on that one key piece!

Best quote found: Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
-T.S. Eliot

September

I ran my first half marathon. It was kind of amazing.

September was also the start of some serious self doubt and realizing I was better than that doubt. Running set me free.

October

At this point, I was starting to be “over” my training routine. I’d already completed a half marathon and the time commitments and restrictions were getting old. I was loving running and improving.

Milestone: my weight finally matched what was on my driver’s license.

November

I ran my second half marathon! It felt harder than the first even though this time I had support. But – I did it. I started a training plan in August and I stuck with it and completed my goal. That part felt damn good.

December

I survived. Body love, body hate and a constant barrage of messages about how I should think, feel and look pushed me to a point where I needed to disconnect.

What a year. If I live to be an old lady, I feel certain 2012 will be a year I always remember as pivotal in my life. It’s taught me so much about myself, brought people into my life and truly changed me.

gobbler-finish-2012
FIN.

Join me next time for:

Goals, HopesDesiresWishesPrayersBeggings for 2013