Awake

For the first time since my mom died, I feel the Christmas spirit. This will be the third Christmas without her and we didn’t even spend her last Christmas together — well, we did virtually on the phone and via Skype (I also got drunk on white wine surrounded by my extended family.) We had our final Christmas less than a week before she passed away in January 2012. An impromptu visit after a gym session one afternoon turned out to be the final day we’d see each other. The Universe has been kind to me. It gave me that day.

Most of my writing this year was in a notebook or two – stream of consciousness need to barf out the emotion somehow kind of writing.  I went through a major depressive episode this year that I’m still working out of. It magnified the feelings of loss because it was the first experience I had without my mom around to listen, worry with me and support me.

My fitness went through all kinds of interesting periods. After my 5k PR last November (and my last blog post) I stopped running on a regular basis and started going to spin class and CrossFit. CrossFit was a great experience and I’m so glad I tried it.

Now, at the end of the year, I feel a renewed desire to run. I’ve been adding running workouts back the last few months and registered for the Go! St. Louis Half Marathon in April 2015 — training starts in a couple weeks.

While I’m still struggling with my disordered eating I feel like I am starting to wake up again with fitness and mood. Positivity and progress over perfection.

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