Oh, Bother

Today, I am confused. It started about 3 weeks ago when I attended a bariatric surgery information session hosted by Saint Luke’s. I’d grown increasing interested in gastric banding. However, I still cannot help the feelings of failure. And loss. I am considering a physical alteration to my body to deal with something that is mostly mental and emotional. That seems…misguided.

Since the info meeting, I found out that my insurance does not cover bariatric surgery, my BMI is 41, and I am confused. Logically, it makes sense to use a tool that’s available. I will have to pay out of pocket which means loans – but isn’t my health and future happiness worth it?

Emotionally, it stings. Isn’t there another alternative? Why can’t I be happy? Why ME? REALLY, WHY ME? Feelings of envy and guilt mix when I am with other people. If I do this and it “works”…what next? I’m still left with the issues that have lead to my behaviors.

Is it better to be in debt and smaller?

I know this post will annoy or irritate certain people – but, they don’t really know what this feels like.

After meeting with the program specialist and the surgeon, I have 3 follow-up appointments with the dietitian, the exercise specialist, and a psychiatrist (everyone has to have a psych evaluation.) Will I pass the psych eval? I still have to have a sleep study, but because my insurance doesn’t cover any of this, it was recommended that I speak with my primary care physician to accomplish this. So, that 5 appointments before I can have this done.

I continue to turn in PTO forms for doctor’s appointments and can’t help but wonder if my boss thinks I’m interviewing for jobs and if it’s going to become an issue. Over the last year I’ve been less engaged and less aggressive with my work though my last review was good, these things turn so quickly. I just don’t have the energy to do it all and ultimately, I’m more important than a job. Then again, I need the job to pay my bills.

Would I be better going to counseling, working with a nutritionist/dietitian, and hiring a personal trainer?

I don’t want to be talked into or out of anything. I just want to feel happy and confident with whatever decision I make and know that I’m supported no matter what I decide.


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